an open letter to hollywood

Dear Hollywood,

I realize that many renowned stories are based on previously existing stories. My Fair Lady was based on Pygmalion which was based on a Greek myth. The Lion King was based on Hamlet which was based on a Danish legend. West Side Story was based on Romeo & Juliet which was based on an Italian poem.

Some renowned stories are even based on actual historical events: Titanic was based on the 1912 shipwreck and the people aboard, The Queen was based on the actual days following Princess Diana’s death, The King’s Speech was based on King George VI, and The Lord of the Rings was based on a real Hobbit carrying The One Ring to its destruction yes it was Hobbiton is real shhh.

However, neither of these practices is what you’re doing by making sequels to every single movie in your inexhaustible list of already existing movies.

If you must make a sequel, make the next Kung Fu Panda or, for God’s sake, The Incredibles 2.

Stop splitting your movies into two parts. That shit’s annoying and unnecessary and stretched the migraine that was Twilight out like a thin yet coarse and rash-inducing membrane of pain.

Also, stop fucking up movies that should have been incredible (e.g.: 47 Ronin and Alexander).

…But good work on The Lego Movie.

Fondly,
Audience Member

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